TMI Too Much Information
by Adrastia
Summary: Poor Elena is trying to eat dinner. But Reno keeps talking about Heidegger and Palmer's sex lives. Not to mention his table manners are disgusting. Rude randomly chimes in. The talk gets a little racy but never explicit. NOT Heidegger/Palmer. Don't worry.


_Notes_

I have to say that I really like the way I have Rude chiming in with random little comments while remaining as deadpan and seemingly uninterested as possible. I might try that again in another fic. 

Anyway, this one is about Elena trying to eat but being grossed out not just by Reno's deplorable table manners but by way too much information about Heidegger and Palmer's sex lives. Sadly I never even thought of adding Hojo to the mix and I think doing so would ruing the flow of the fic. Maybe next time. The whole idea was to write some TMI about two of Shinra's most unattractive executives. Poor Elena was just the unfortunate victim of the assault.

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**TMI (Too Much Information)**

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Rude, Reno and Elena were eating dinner in Shinra's cafeteria. It had been a long day and it felt nice to settle down and have a hot meal. It was basically empty by now and they pretty much had the place to themselves.

Reno was wolfing down a plate of greasy fries and even greasier chicken as if it were his last meal. Rude was slowly and methodically eating a bowl of soup. Elena usually went with a salad. However, Tseng couldn't dine with them because he was in a meeting with Rufus. So Elena had decided to forgo her "keep in shape for Tseng" diet and have some pasta with extra cheese sauce. Besides, it was cold out. So she figured she might as well have a large double mocha latte with whipped cream as well.

"Don't you usually eat salad and drink diet soda? Reno asked, his mouth still full of food. 

"Tseng's not here...," Rude said quietly without looking up from his soup.

"Oh yeah! That's right! Reno laughed, still talking with a full mouth.

"Eww!" Elena cried. That is so gross. Don't you have any table manners, you slob?"

"Nope," Reno said bluntly, noisily slurping up a greasy fry just to spite her.

Elena grumbled to herself and tried to concentrate on eating. She was in the middle of enjoying her meal when Reno suddenly said, "I passed by Heidegger's office today. Man, that Scarlet sure is a screamer."

Elena dropped her fork, looking shocked. "Scarlet? And Heidegger?"

"Yeah," Reno answered, fry in hand. "Guess you didn't know since you're still pretty new. But that Scarlet, she's a real slut."

Like a doorknob...," Rude said absently, going back to his meal.

"But Heidegger's old and fat!" Elena said, disgusted, thinking of how fit and sexy Tseng was by comparison. 

"I guess some chicks are into that," Reno replied. "Like having a big, bearded daddy bear. Can you imagine what he looks like naked? All that fat hanging out and jiggling as he's going gya ha ha ha ha?"

"More cushion for the pushin...'," Rude added quietly, fishing a potato out of his bowl and eating it.

"Eww!" C'mon, stop it! I'm trying to eat!" Elena protested.

"Can Scarlet even find his dick under all that fat? Reno laughed. "It must be like buried treasure. Or a needle in a haystack. It's probably not even worth it because when you're that fat, even if you're hung like a behemoth it's still gonna look tiny!"

Oh my god!" Elena screamed. "Can we please change the subject!"

"Fine. Whatever," Reno said. "But I was just about to ask the both of you who you thought gets on top."

"Scarlet...," Rude answered flatly, taking a sip of his coffee.

Enough already!" Elena cried again. "Please just stop. I'm trying to eat."

"Alright. I get it. Sorry, Elena. We'll talk about something else."

"Thank god," Elena grumbled, resuming her meal. She was about to take a nice big sip of her double mocha latte when Reno struck again.

"I wonder if Palmer pays his phone sex bill?"

Elena froze, glad she had yet to sip her drink. Otherwise she would have spit it out all over Rude when she heard that. "Phone sex?"

"Yep," Reno added. "Palmer's got this really bad phone sex addiction. Word is that he uses his office phone so the calls don't show up on his PHS bill. Doesn't want his mother to find out. Listen by the door of his office some time. You'll see. He gets like really into it."

"It's the only sex he can get...," Rude added, sprinkling some pepper into his soup.

"Why do you keep talking!" Elena shouted at Rude, annoyed with his strangely frequent replies.

Rude just shrugged, going back to his dinner as if nothing had happened.

"That's it. I can't stand it. I've totally lost my appetite," Elena cried angrily. Apparently you two have never heard the term too much information!"

And with that she stormed out.

Reno helped himself to her pasta, piling it sloppily on top of his own food and taking a big swig of her latte. "Guess she doesn't want to hear about that time Tseng got drunk at the Christmas party and took off all his clothes."

"Reeve still has the pictures...," Rude added, finishing his soup.

Fin


End file.
